Of Chickens and Consorting With the Enemy
by WideAwakeSleeping
Summary: Not only were his goblins trying to overpopulate his kingdom with chickens but they were consorting with the enemy! There she stood, microphone in one hand, cue cards in the other...So. Sarah had been in on this.
1. Chapter 1: The Chicken Fiasco

Jareth considered himself a patient ruler.

When the goblins decided to breed chickens he glowered but let them continue on—what harm could chickens really get up to anyway?

When they tried to keep the roosters in his bedroom (because it had soon become apparent to the goblins that if the roosters were allowed to stay with the chickens all the time the eggs didn't taste very good) he merely kicked them out and sent them to clean the dungeons.

When they tried to use his favorite pair of boots to keep the chicks nested in, he dumped them all into the Bog of Eternal Stench—most monarchs would have killed them for their insolence.

When they started to dye the chickens funny colours—Jareth found the lime green to be particularly offensive—using the dye that was meant for his clothing no less, he had the goblins expand the city.

When they started to paint numbers onto the chickens and race them Jareth commanded that they fix the bridge over the Bog of Eternal Stench—it took them two months, and another five before Jareth would let them back into the castle.

But then, when they started dressing the chickens up and hosting fashion shows, well Jareth had decided that enough was enough. There was only so much patience in the world and the goblins and their multi-coloured chickens had used it all up.

So, when it came time for the next chicken fashion-feather show Jareth disguised himself as a goblin (a very well groomed, handsome one) and snuck in, intent on revealing himself at a crucial moment and banishing every chicken in his kingdom. The dwarves of the Blackpine Mountains could surely use a few hundred chickens. Imagine Jareth's shock when he discovered that, not only were his goblins trying to overpopulate his kingdom with chickens but they were consorting with the enemy!

There she stood, microphone in one hand, cue cards in the other, as she introduced each chicken that the backstage goblins pushed onto the runway. So. Sarah had been in on this. No; better to say that she had been behind this whole thing—each new chicken fiasco. It was obviously a plan to drive him mad. Insane. Well, it wouldn't work. He would beat her at her own game. He'd been in the dark until now; an unwilling participant, but all that was about to change.

Jareth quietly left the show. He would allow Sarah to continue thinking that she was in control, and then he would crush her. He would beat her. It was fate.

After all, he was a very patient hunter.


	2. Chapter 2: Giving In

Sarah had refused. In the beginning.

The goblins had been coming and going from her bedroom mirror for years, trailing behind them mud, dirt, bugs that could talk, and taking sandwiches, balloons, her purple thongs, and every can of hairspray she'd ever owned back with them. They were hellions.

So, when they'd tromped on through with some hair brained scheme to breed chickens she knew that they'd been binging on her Discovery Channel again—and also that maybe, just maybe, they were going to piss Jareth off so much that he'd keep them busy for a while (Karen and Daddy were supposed to visit next week you see). So she hadn't really minded that they had come up with such a silly, ludicrous plan that was destined to fail, but when they asked her if she wanted to join in on the fun—like having Jareth pissed of at her was fun! Hah!—Sarah had, very smartly she thought—refused. The goblins had gone away depressed and dragging her silky black bra behind them (Sarah didn't want to know what they had planned for it; she only wished it a quick and painless death).

Sarah refused again when they asked if she wanted to keep their roosters for them (something about eating eggs but they didn't taste good once the roosters got to them and Sarah had been sufficiently horrified and kicked them all back into their own world at that point).

She had refused to keep the chicks in her house when they came barging in just as she was getting ready to go clubbing—she had spent far too much on a pair of sexy boots and was ready to break some hearts and toes. They hadn't seemed too disappointed though and they had gone off, muttering about boots—Sarah was just glad that they had gone without stealing another pair of her undergarments.

Sarah had laughed when they asked her to help them colour their chickens with her Crayola markers. She had declined—of course—but had suggested that, if they wanted their chickens to stay whatever colour they picked, a dye might be more helpful. They had looked rather dejected and Sarah did feel a slight tinge but then she saw the wisp of red lace belonging to her newest pair of underwear—located in the grimy pocket of a goblin—and she didn't feel the slightest bit sorry anymore.

The next time they asked for her help it was to paint numbers onto their chickens and have them race each other. Sarah promptly put a parent control on any racing programs on her television and told them that the chickens wouldn't race each other. The goblins brought Henry over. Henry was a very large, very gruesome looking wolf. Who happened to eat broccoli, but the chickens didn't know that—the goblins swore her to secrecy and threatened to move the Bog of Eternal Stench to her bathroom should she ever break her vow. So Sarah refused again but sent them on their way, she also may have—though the idea could never really be traced back to her!—mentioned that most people liked to gamble at these races and perhaps the goblins should go about earning some coin. The biggest of the goblins—who Sarah secretly thought was behind the whole chicken fiasco—nodded and grabbed her purple lace bra with the black detailing (which still had its tag on!) as he was leaving. Sara finally snapped. She hadn't even worn that bra yet! But when she went to confront them, the biggest goblin grinned at her (she wanted to brush his teeth very badly) and told her that it was her bet. Sarah was so flabbergasted that she let him get away without getting her bra back.

And then it happened. The day came when Sarah didn't refuse the goblins.

They came into her bedroom through the mirror just like any other day, and this time they had another silly idea—and Sarah secretly wondered why the Goblin King hadn't put them all out of their misery yet, surely all of these brightly dyed chickens must be driving him mad? Only this time they had actually brought a chicken with them—something that greatly troubled Sarah (as the chicken was a strange meld between brown and purple and a hideous red…puce! The chicken had been dyed puce!) and made her want to blind herself. While they were explaining their idea of a chicken fashion show—Sarah decided that she didn't really need that subscription to Flare anymore—Sarah's eyes finally adjusted to the chicken. And then she saw it. Or, rather, saw the many its.

The puce coloured chicken was wearing not one, but three of Sarah's bras, and had several of her stolen thongs hanging off of her like ornaments from a Christmas tree! Sarah wasted no time in leaping for the chicken, but it was trained to run from hungry looking predators and, despite Sarah's hunting-of-troublesome-creatures ability, it got away. The biggest goblin—who Sarah was quickly coming to hate—smiled at her and suggested (the little beast!) that if she were to help them with this one thing maybe she could have what Gerald—who, Sarah discovered after much humming and hawing, was the puce coloured chicken—was wearing.

Now, Sarah was of two minds. On the one hand, underwear was rather expensive and she had to give the goblins credit because they had put Gerald in her very best underwear, but on the other, Sarah wasn't all that sure she wanted her stolen goods back—who knew what had been wearing them or what had been in them? But…some of those had never been used, and besides, if nothing else, Karen had taught Sarah how to get stains out of fabric and give things a good wash. A little soap and a truck load of disinfectant and her undergarments would be good as new. She hoped. So Sarah agreed.

And that was how she found herself standing up on a stage, microphone in one hand, barely legible cue cards in the other, as she announced each and every ugly coloured chicken that the Goblins had bred and managed to push onto the runway.

And then she saw him. Jareth. Sitting there, bold as you please, watching her. Oh, he was wearing some kind of a hat that had floppy ears attached to it, and his clothing was rather subdued, but there was no mistaking his hair—or that fact that he stood at least two lengths above all the other goblins in the room. So. He had been behind this. She should have known. And now that she'd finally given in he was there to laugh at her. Sarah was furious. How dare he!

So, he thought he could make a fool of her did he? And he didn't even have the guts to own up to it, if his sneaking away was any indication! Well, Sarah would just have to prove him wrong. Turn the tables. Make him look the fool. She would play his little game, and soon he'd be begging for mercy.

Because Sarah was an excellent hunter of troublesome creatures, and because Sarah refused to let him win.

She refused.


	3. Chapter 3: Corruption of Goblins

Jareth was starting to worry.

After that blasted fashion show—in which he discovered his enemy's involvement in the entire chicken fiasco—the goblins had been acting strangely. They kept grouping together in dark corners and muttering amongst themselves, and if they weren't grouped together they were muttering to themselves and twirling and clicking imaginary buttons. At first Jareth thought that, perhaps, because he hadn't punished them for the fashion show (because he'd been too overwhelmed by Sarah's treachery!) they were going a bit squirrelly. Maybe they had gotten so used to being punished that by taking away or neglecting to punish them, they were losing their minds.

So Jareth—being the kind and patient ruler that he was—sent them to roust out all the pixies living in the hedges of the labyrinth. He'd been sure that his punishment would work—it was the most terrifying yet—but it didn't. They still muttered to themselves and Jareth had even found a stash of drawings. Drawings! He didn't know what they were supposed to be because they were so crude mind you, but still, his goblins had never before shown even the slightest hint of wanting to draw, let alone actually doing it. Yes, something was very wrong and Jareth had an uncomfortable feeling that he knew what it was.

Her. It always came back to Sarah. She had to be behind the strange behaviour. Had to be, because the only other explanation was that the goblins were becoming more intelligent and, since they still picked their noses and wore pants on their heads and would gladly gnaw on each other's toes if he let them, Jareth knew that it had to be Sarah. But how to prove it without letting her know that he was on to her?

Jareth decided that since it was the goblins that were acting strange, it was also the goblins that would lead him to whatever it was that Sarah had done to them. Once again Jareth put on his disguise (he found that he made a rather dashing goblin and only wished that the real goblins could be half as good looking as he) and followed the goblins. He listened as the muttered about the pretties that Sarah gave them (how dare she lure his goblins away with mere trinkets!) and how Grumpus (who Jareth vaguely recalled to be a rather large looking goblin and ugly as snot) was amassing them so that Sarah—lady of pretties—would play with their chickens again. There was also something about Sarah liking a Gerald.

Jareth found the bit about Gerald to be the most affronting. How dare she go off becoming infatuated with some Gerald and not give her complete attention to the game she was trying to play with him. Jareth might have been calm before the bit about Gerald, but now he was ticked. Fine, if she wouldn't take him seriously he would have to make her. He would confront her and make her give up this Gerald to his dungeons—and, also, perhaps stop making his goblins act so very strangely. It no longer mattered if Sarah knew he was on to her or not. All that mattered now was that she take him seriously (and stop corrupting his goblins!) and play the game with her full attention.

So Jareth decided to visit Sarah's realm.

He appeared in what appeared to be a different house that before (so, she was trying to tick him by changing her locations was she?) but it was unmistakably hers. Fairy tale items everywhere, the scent of peaches and pixie dust that she had acquired after her run in the Labyrinth. Yes, it was definitely her home.

"Argh!" And that was definitely her voice, screaming in aggravation. Yes, Jareth was quite positive this was Sarah's kingdom (as great as his, his arse! What a little liar she had been).

Jareth moved towards where he had heard Sarah's screech come from, intent on demanding a few explanations. He found her naked as a pixie after a sip of goblin wine and found that all his words were lost. She was sifting through pile after pile of clothing and all the drawers in her bedroom seemed to have been dumped out onto her floor. Her long brown hair was curling every which way and looked a lovely mess. Jareth decided that he rather liked Sarah's new look (unless, of course, it was for Gerald, in which case Jareth would be forced to use extreme measures) and didn't want to interrupt her (as he was quite intrigued to see how far the angry flush would spread). But then she turned and froze when she saw him. Jareth wondered if perhaps he had time to magic every bit of clothing away (because really, they would be an affront to his sensibilities should she make a grab for them) before Sarah shouted "You!" and was on him.

Now, Jareth didn't particularly mind that a very naked Sarah had just thrown him to the floor, nor did he mind that she was straddling him, but he did find a problem with the strangulation (the black spots on his vision tended to impede his view of her breasts). And besides, he hadn't come here to be dominated so easily, he'd come for revenge (and what a sweet revenge it was turning out to be).

So Jareth rolled them over and grabbed Sarah's hands to stop this whole strangulation process. Then it hit him. This was all a ploy!

She had anticipated his arrival somehow and was using her nakedness to distract him; to get the better of him. Well! Jareth wasn't one to be fooled so easily, he—"Give me back my underwear!"—what?


	4. Chapter 4: Going Insane

**Going Insane**

Sarah was going insane.

It was all so obvious now. She was slowly and inescapably losing her mind.

First it was her load of whites. She took them downstairs to the basement of her apartment building, washed them, dried them, brought them all back up folded ever so neatly and went to bed before putting them away (because she was tired and maybe just a little bit lazy). When she woke up (in a panic because she was late for work) she ran to her laundry basket, intent on wearing all white that day—because all of her other clothes were dirty—and found that she had no underwear. She had no lacy white bra, none of her white thongs, not even the regular cotton pair with the tiny pink flower on them.

Nothing. She went through the motions of her laundry the night before and was almost certain she'd folded them and put them in the basket. Almost. But then her alarm clock—the one she set to remind her that she had twenty minutes to be at work—rang and Sarah decided that she would have to brave her day wearing her 'in case of emergency' underwear. They were something that Karen would have approved of (seeing as how Sarah had bought them with Karen) and her mother would have fainted from in horror. But they were all that Sarah had, and her red bra wasn't really all that dirty. Besides, she was late for work and it was an emergency. She would just have to hunt down her missing underwear when she got home.

Only, she couldn't find them, not that day nor any other.

Next she did her blacks. Three bras, ten pairs of underwear, all in varying styles and with different adornments. Those went missing. She put them into her basket, brought them up to her apartment, set the basket down to make dinner, and when she came back they were gone, but nothing was out of place. Nothing to indicate that some scary stalker had come in and rifled through her laundry.

So she had to be going insane. There was no other explanation.

It continued to happen. After her black underwear disappeared her colours went. And soon the only thing she had left was an old trainer bra (Sarah thought she'd thrown those away years ago!) and her granny panties (Sarah turned down a very handsome looking date because of them). And then she didn't even have those (she'd washed them in her sink like she was some refugee and when she turned her back they disappeared).

So Sarah decided that she wasn't insane, merely misplacing all her underwear. So she looked through every drawer and cupboard in her bedroom, pulling out pile after pile of clothing, sorting it, searching everywhere. She even took to ripping her sock balls apart (just in case a thong had managed to wriggle its way in there).

Nothing. Not one bra, not one tiny scrap of underwear.

She was stark naked, searching through every piece of clothing she owned, and was obviously insane. Certifiably insane. All that was left to do was to check herself into the nearest psychiatric ward…if only she could find some underwear to put on first. She let out a shout of frustration. Then Sarah turned—intent to search one last time. And froze. There he stood, staring at her, a slight smirk on his face, and it all clicked into place.

"You!"

Why hadn't she thought of it before? He had sent the goblins after her, and now he was obviously resorting to psychological warfare. Well! She wouldn't take Jareth's game laying down. No sir!

Sarah attacked. She had him on his back in no time with her hands around his neck. Maybe if he feared for his life he'd return her underwear to her (that or Sarah would have a dead Goblin King in her bedroom, and she honestly didn't care, she was so mad). But apparently Jareth didn't feel bad about stealing her underwear and driving her crazy, because he didn't even have the decency to die without a fight, no, instead he flipped her over and grabbed her hands (which made strangling him all the more difficult). Sarah had had enough, first he sent those horrible goblins after her, then he drove her insane by slowly flitching her underwear.

Well, if threatening him wouldn't work perhaps demanding would. "Give me back my underwear!" The pompous ass just stared at her.

Sarah growled, feeling more like a crazed wolf than some naked woman…naked! Sarah shrieked and kicked out at Jareth. How dare he! He had been distracting her! No, his whole plan must have been to get her naked (to humiliate her!) by stealing all her under things. Sarah lunged to her feet, intent on meeting him head on. Only he wasn't there. He was still on the ground, curled into a ball (like he was really fooling anyone!).

Sarah hissed, grabbed a pair of pantyhose that were lying on the ground, rushed over to Jareth, and set about tying his hands to her bedpost. She was going to get her underwear back one way or another…just as soon as she put some clothes on.


End file.
